Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i used baking grease as lip gloss
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
