Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize