Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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