Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Randomize
