Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
