Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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