how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
