i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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