the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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