I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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