He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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