My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
