If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
