I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Randomize
