I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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