I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
