got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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