My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
