I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You are a genius and a whore.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
