Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
