I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
