when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Randomize
