the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
