The maid of honor just puked.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
