meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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