Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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