Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
