neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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