Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
