1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Someone came in the potted fern
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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