Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
