What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
