i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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