I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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