The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
