i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
