the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
