Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
