Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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