I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
