I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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