Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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