Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
