Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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