Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
