Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
