I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
