So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
