If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
