I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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