I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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