You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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