I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
