The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
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I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
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Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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