all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
