You smell like stripper and shame
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
