I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
