i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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