I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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