I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
