I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
